I read somewhere recently that in Daoism it was common for a Daoist master to give his disciple a new name as they entered a new phase in their life - a rebirth of a sort. Whether true or not, this struck a chord with me. I was not born Hannah Wolf and it is not the name on my passport but for some time now I've been feeling as if I have entered a new phase in my life. Whilst I would never want to fully disown where it is that I have come from, I feel quite distant from that person (the person I was, not the people I knew and loved, still love). Me, back then, I was such a disjointed being - it was like my bones didn't fit my skin. A soul adrift in a sea of mired misery of my own creation, unable to see land. Thinking of my inner life back then, makes my fillings hurt - a dull yet excruciating ache. Fortunately, that thick molasses in the brain has long since dissipated and I breathe more clearly. I have reached a point in my life where, perhaps not fully..and perhaps never so.. but, for the most part I am comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am and I'm at home with it.
In short, Hannah Wolf is my alter-ego, a given name that I have given myself. More pragmatically, the name was chosen because Hannah (or Chana to be more precise) is a name of spiritual significance for me. I picked it for other reasons a few years ago but I took it then, as I do now, in honour of Chaplin's speech in the film, The Great Dictator - "Look up Hannah, look up...the sky is clearing." A symbol of hope and strength.
Wolf is slightly more twee in its reasoning. It has nothing to do with Virginia (wrong spelling for a start) or Chester Burnett (my Blues knowledge isn't that strong). It is no more than canis lupis, pure and simple. In a deep and inexplicable way, I have felt connected to grey wolves since as early in my life as I can remember. I have no known reason as to why and believe me, I have tried to analyse it many, many times over the years but have yet to find any logical (or even illogical) reason. I have asked other people if they have a favourite animal, if they feel connected to any particular species other than our own...and the overwhelming majority look at me like I am bizarre. Yet, since I was a young child, it is the wolf myths and tales that have held my fascination, that still hold it today. It is their fierceness and their independence coupled with their familial loyalty. Both free yet belonging. Another symbol of strength.
And so it is then, my gadr, my mantra, my abracadabra. Who is Hannah Wolf? She is, at her worst, an egoistic incantation and at her best, a very personal prayer.
